ONLY THE ENGLISH COULD HAVE
INVENTED THIS LANGUAGE
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't finge,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and endsand get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play
and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop,
how come Mother's not Mop?
AND IF PEOPLE FROM POLAND ARE CALLED POLES
THEN PEOPLE FROM HOLLAND SHOULD BE HOLES
... AND THE GERMANS, GERMS??
(unknown)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here is a link to copy and paste into your browser if your spirit is in need
of a lift. You can keep it singing in the background by leaving the web
page open as you work elsewhere on your computer. Enjoy.
TWINKIES AND ROOT BEER
http://home.comcast.net/~singingman7/Twinkies.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Talk about MESMERIZING…!
Copy and paste this link into your browser. ONLY do this if you have a few
minutes to play with this image! After watching for a few seconds, move
your cursor back and forth across the display... Have fun!
KALEIDOSKOPIA
http://inoyan.narod.ru/kaleidoskop.swf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SAY THAT AGAIN?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of
natural causes.
· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
· Life is sexually transmitted.
· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?
· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird; Now the world is weird
and people take Prozac to make it normal..
· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to
start a campfire?
· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these
dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'
· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they
are going to look up there anyway?
· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?
· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee:
When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours
in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of
coffee.
A friend of mine once shared this concept with me. One day, while in his
garage. He had some items in front of him... he wordlessly picked up a
very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.
He then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between
the golf balls. He then asked me again if the jar was full.
Again I agreed it was.
Next he picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the
sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.
I responded again, "yes."
My friend then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and
poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty
space between the sand. I laughed nervously.
"Now," my friend said, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents
your life. The golf balls are the important things—your spirituality, your
family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite
passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your
life would still be full.
"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house
and your car.
"The sand is everything else---the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for
the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all
your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the
things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend
time and have heartfelt discussions with your friends and family. Take
time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse or a dear friend out
to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house
and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls! first---the things that
really matter. Set your priorities (keep 1st things 1st). The rest is
just sand."
I asked my friend what the coffee represented. He just smiled.
"I'm glad you asked.
"It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
He poured us a cup.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear God (from the Dog)
Dear God: Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell
one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still
the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the
mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a
Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice
ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the
'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears
him, is he still a bad Dog?
Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand
signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic
energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must
remember to be a good Dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like
the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of
saying 'hello'.
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee
table
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house -
not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across
the carpet.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes
that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
