FUNNY JOKES
ITALIAN FIRE DEPARTMENT
One dark night in the small town in Garfield , NJ , a fire started inside
the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When
the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to
be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them
out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire
departments had to be called in because the situation became
desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president that the offer to
extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department
that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ . The
volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over
the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by
these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant,
and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old
timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to
save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for
such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly
Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on
camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief,
'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, the 70-year-old fire chief,
'de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat danga truck!!'
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These really work!!
i checked these out on snoops and they’re for real!
Amazingly simple home remedies:
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for
a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the
duct tape.
7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Daily Thought:
Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring
a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
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AGE APPROPRIATE
The older we get...
ONE.
Recently, when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of six, nine, or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or 12,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. (Unbelievable but
sadly true...)
TWO.
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the
lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register
and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider,' looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the
bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her, 'I've changed my mind. I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things I'd bought and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE.
I saw a woman at work putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping
on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she
was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(Keep shuddering!)
FOUR.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote
door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing
to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't
you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
(PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!)
FIVE.
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day
she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,
'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'
'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it
on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
(Brunette, by the way!)
SIX.
A mother calls 911 very worried, asking the dispatcher if she needs to
take her kid to the emergency room - the kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine.
The mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer...'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'
Note:
Remember, these people VOTE!
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THE TINY CABIN
A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of West Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when
she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she
went up and knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" she asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.
"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.
"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.
"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"
Government workers are so very smart. Aren't you overjoyed that they'll soon
be handling all our financial, educational and medical dilemmas?
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Signs of the Time
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr.. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels." (read it again)
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
“Yesterday's Meals on Wheels”
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At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop In Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
